Las Vegas was built on eternal optimism and short memories, and few things illustrate this better than the announcement nobody was clamoring for: Mariah Carey will perform a mini-residency at Park MGM.

Mariah’s Carey’s new slate of shows will run from April 12-27, 2024 in the Dolby Live theater.

We are here to provide context. Specifically, the part where her previous Las Vegas residencies were a hilarious disaster, including reports of calamitous ticket sales and mortifying diva behavior. Let’s talk about the things nobody else is talking about, shan’t we?

We’re including the word “parody” in this photo caption so any lawyers can proceed directly to sucking our fat one, all due respect.

The actual show name at Park MGM is “Mariah Carey: The Celebration of Mimi Live in Las Vegas.”

“Mimi,” of course, is Mariah Carey’s nickname. That’s right. Mariah Carey’s residency is a celebration of herself.

Nothing we make up about Mariah Carey could be as cringeworthy as the actual Mariah Carey.

First, we have to get some similes and metaphors our of our system.

Mariah’s Carey’s previous Las Vegas residencies flopped like a retired porn star on a pogo stick. Her residencies took more hits than Snoop Dogg. She sank faster than a snitch wearing osmium clogs tossed in Lake Mead by the Chicago Outfit. (Osmium is the densest naturally occurring element on Earth. Please keep up.) Carey’s show was knocked more than the door of a Pahrump brothel during CES. She was crucified like Ariarathes I of Cappadocia. (Do you even have access to the Internet?) Mariah Carey was slammed more than the fridge door at a sumo training stable. Her show shit the bed like Amber Heard after a visit to Taco Bell.

Thanks for letting us purge.

So, back in 2018, we shared this Tweet. It sort of sums up what we’ve been trying to convey with our slightly outdated pop culture and esoteric historical references.

Naturally, Carey was caught lip-syncing.

No, we do not have something personal against Mariah Carey, other than a dislike of her singing and personality. Everyone said her show blew.

During her most recent residency, her ticket sales were so bad, the Colosseum actually covered large swaths of seats in the theater to keep Carey from seeing how poorly the show was doing. See, if you remove seats from inventory, they aren’t reported as “unsold.” We are not making this up.

The cloth covering was dubbed the “Rag of Shame.”

Our reporting about Mariah Carey’s dismal ticket sales got us into hot water with the former public relations nitwits at Caesars Entertainment. We mentioned the show’s struggles during an interview on KNPR, and were later told Caesars Entertainment pulled $250,000 in financial support from the station. A quarter million dollars is a lot in public radio dollars. We have never been asked back as a guest on KNPR.

That’s how Vegas works, friends. If you don’t say what the PRs want you to say, you lose access. This is why Las Vegas Review-Journal entertainment reporter Johnny Kleptometes rarely has opinions about anything, unless “fawning” is considered an opinion.

This is not A.I. It’s an actual publicity photo of Mariah Carey. The scary part is it’s possible Mariah Carey believes she looks like this.

Honestly, A.I.’s rendering of Mariah Carey being engulfed by a swarm of bees looks more like Mariah Carey than Mariah Carey.

We live in wondrous times.

Carey’s time in Las Vegas was filled with tea (it was called “gossip” back then) about her treatment of staff at Caesars Palace. Carey is well-known as a high-maintenance tyrant, and that reputation was borne out during her stints in Vegas.

In a widely-circulated video, Carey can be seen being carted around like royalty. This was before deep fakes, by the way.

Get ready, Park MGM, for you know not what you’ve signed up for.

Thankfully, this upcoming residency is mercifully short (just eight shows). Here are the show dates: April 12, 13, 17, 19, 20, 24, 26, 27, 2024.

While Mariah Carey’s show won’t be “entertaining” or “enjoyable,” our Tweets about her might be. Our feud with Criss Angel has simmered down a bit in recent weeks, so the timing of Carey’s residency is perfect.

If you’re a Mariah Carey fan, what is wrong with you and why are you still reading this story? Yes, she sold 200 million records, blah, blah, blah. Hitler sold a few paintings, too.

For the record, we are not comparing Mariah Carey to Hitler. When Hitler gave speeches, people actually showed up.

There’s something for everyone in Las Vegas, and some things for nobody. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.


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