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In his narrative poem \u200b\u2018<\/span>The Divine Comedy\u2019, accepted to have been written between 1308<\/span> and 1321<\/span> and widely considered to be the most influential work of Italian literature, Dante Alighieri set out a\u00a0striking vision of the afterlife which changed literature forever. In Julian Schnabel\u2019s 2025<\/span> adaptation of Nick Tosches\u2019 \u200b\u2018<\/span>In the Hand of Dante\u2019, inspired by Alighieri\u2019s work, the film director creates the sensation for viewers of being dragged through the various levels of hell across the course of 2<\/span>.5<\/span> turgid hours, riddled with incomprehensible dialogue, baffling accents and some of the most egregious continuity in recent film history.<\/p>\n Perhaps this adaptation was cursed from the start, when Johnny Depp optioned Tosches\u2019 book back in 2008<\/span>, intending to star in a\u00a0version realised by Schnabel. He was eventually replaced by Oscar Isaac when the film finally came together in 2023<\/span>, after Schnabel and Isaac worked together on At Eternity\u2019s Gate.<\/i> Though it really would have been better for everyone if Isaac hadn\u2019t got dragged into this, given the diabolical quality of the film\u2019s production. Isaac stars in the dual role of Nick Tosches and Dante Alighieri, with the parallel narrative wandering between a\u00a0black-and-white crime noir (in which Tosches is recruited by a\u00a0New York gangster to steal the mythical original manuscript for \u200b\u2018<\/span>The Divine Comedy\u2019 from the Sicilian mob) and a\u00a0dingy (but shot in colour) retelling of the book\u2019s creation starring some of the same actors.\u00a0<\/p>\n In bad films the charismatic and radiant Isaac usually finds a\u00a0way to shine, but even he struggles with the incomprehensible script of In The Hand of Dante, <\/i>unaided by the baffling supporting cast of Gerard Butler, Jason Momoa and Gal Gadot, all of whom seem to think they\u2019re in a\u00a0completely different film. (Momoa is the most entertaining, because he is the only cast member brave enough to valiantly attempt an Italian accent, and he wears a\u00a0white suit and pointy hat that make him look like a\u00a0linen-clad Carmen Sandiego.) Butler chews the scenery \u2013 and in one scene a\u00a0comically large pizza \u2013 as a\u00a0gleefully homophobic, misogynistic hitman with complaints about tiny dogs while Gadot, a\u00a0real contender for the most wooden actress working in Hollywood today, delivers all her lines as Nick\/\u200bDante\u2019s love interest Giulietta\/\u200bGemma as if she was only given the script two minutes before the camera started rolling and is workshopping her performance before our eyes. The lack of chemistry between Isaac and Gadot means there\u2019s no reason to invest in this supposedly sweeping love story playing out across 700<\/span>\u00a0years, particularly since there are several leaps in logic required to even believe Nick and Giulietta\u2019s instantaneous infatuation with each\u00a0other.<\/p>\n Not that In The Hand of Dante <\/i>strives for any sort of realism. Bafflingly \u2013 though not unwelcomely \u2013 Martin Scorsese shows up in his best Gandalf outfit as Dante\u2019s wise mentor who lives in a\u00a0cave and speaks in a\u00a0form of 1300<\/span>s ASMR<\/span>, while bystanders keep getting murdered by Butler\u2019s slur-touting, panty-stealing hitman who seems convinced the law doesn\u2019t give a\u00a0fuck about the corpses he leaves in his wake. There are other baffling asides \u2013 Nick\u2019s mentioned-once-briefly-then-never-again murdered daughter, his pill addiction, a\u00a0surprising amount of time devoted to explaining the carbon dating process \u2013 which speak to the fact that this 388<\/span>-page book (and Dante\u2019s epic poem) might have proven a\u00a0little unwieldy as source material.<\/p>\n But Schnabel\u2019s film isn\u2019t even entertaining enough to count as a\u00a0compelling disaster. The bloated runtime is glacial aside from a\u00a0few choice action moments which are notable for their am-dram society performances (and the fabulously ludicrous reveal of Gerard Butler playing Pope Boniface VIII<\/span>) and there\u2019s a\u00a0sort of cheapness to the costumes and sets which becomes more glaring the longer you look at it. Even the film\u2019s supposed dramatic zenith is hamstrung by Gadot\u2019s atrocious acting and the comically squeaky wheels of the trolley Isaac is strapped to (don\u2019t ask). At least there\u2019s a\u00a0tagline for the film readily available in Dante\u2019s own work: Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch\u2019intrate. <\/i>Abandon all hope, ye who enter\u00a0here.<\/span><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\nGet more Little White\u00a0Lies<\/h3>\n<\/p><\/div>\n