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Ask any married couple<\/a> what they disagree about most and there likely isn\u2019t enough space here to print the long list that might follow. Some might quibble about how to load the dishwasher while others find fault in leaving dirty socks on the floor. Others feel their spouse doesn\u2019t pull their weight when it comes to childrearing, or focuses too much on a hobby to the detriment of the relationship.<\/p>\n Then ask a licensed marriage and family therapist about these arguments and they\u2019re quick to identify which could be cause for alarm.<\/p>\n \u201cIt is normal for disagreements to exist in any relationship, and it is important to consider the patterns of behavior that may impact a relationship over time,\u201d says Anna Nguyen, MA, LMFT, program manager of Behavioral Health & Primary Care Integration for Providence<\/a> in Orange County, Calif. \u201cWith disagreements, it is important to examine the patterns of behavior and how often these patterns are occurring.\u201d<\/p>\n Though there is no surefire way divorce-proof your marriage, therapists say to be aware of certain disagreements that could spell trouble<\/a>.<\/p>\n It\u2019s the rare spouse that will arrive home having purchased a new, never-been-discussed car. There are plenty, however, that may spend a little too much or fail to save as agreed.<\/p>\n \u201cMoney conversations often lead to major tension,\u201d says Andie Hollowell, LMFT, chief growth officer at Lightfully Behavioral Health<\/a>. \u201cCouples often clash over finances<\/a> because money represents more than just dollars and cents. It can symbolize security, power, and even love. One partner might be a saver, squirreling away every dollar like acorns for a long winter ahead, while the other spends like it\u2019s going out of style. These differences can create a war of the wallets that\u2019s tough to resolve on your own.\u201d<\/p>\n According to Fidelity\u2019s 2024 Couples & Money Study<\/a>, about 25% of respondents resent being left out of financial decisions. More than half disagree on how much money they need for retirement, and 45% of partners say they argue about money at least occasionally.<\/p>\n \u201cThe disagreements that arise in couples tend to be related to one of two things: perceived neglect or perceived lack of control,\u201d says Katherine M. Hertlein<\/a>, PhD, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Professor at Wright State University. \u201cQuite often couples might argue about the same thing, but the meaning of it can be different. For example, in one relationship, one partner may feel like the money issues stem from perceived neglect and the other partner may feel like the money issue stem from perceived lack of control.\u201d<\/p>\n Many dating couples discuss whether and when they want to start a family, but few talk about what it will be like when they actually begin to raise kids.<\/p>\n \u201cParenting styles are sometimes mismatched in marriages,\u201d says Hollowell. \u201cOne partner takes on the role of the \u2018fun parent,\u2019 while the other ends up enforcing the rules as the \u2018strict parent.\u2019 Couples can disagree on discipline, education, or even screentime limits while rearing kids. These conflicts occur because parenting taps into our core beliefs and values, influenced heavily by our own upbringing. Without guidance, these disagreements can escalate, leading to patterns that not only exhaust parents, but also confuse kids.\u201d<\/p>\n Nguyen says this falls into the \u201cvalues and beliefs\u201d bucket.<\/p>\n \u201cWhen two people have different beliefs on important topics, it may cause a conflict that may feel like a \u2018win-lose\u2019 situation,\u201d she says. \u201cFor example, \u2018This is how I believe our children should be raised and I don\u2019t agree with your style of discipline\u2019 which translates on a deeper level to, \u2018I am right and you are wrong.\u2019<\/p>\n Leaving a load of laundry unfolded. Forgetting to get the mail from the box on the way home from work. Using the treadmill as a clothes hanger.<\/p>\n Even the most even-keeled spouse might erupt at these habits. If that\u2019s you, and you fold insults into your argument for change, Nguyen says that\u2019s cause for concern.<\/p>\n \u201cDisagreements that are targeted toward attacking a person\u2019s sense of self and\/or values are considered red flags,\u201d she says. \u201cThis may arise due to underlying frustration stacking up over time<\/a> that is not being communicated. For example, an unhealthy response that attacks one\u2019s sense of self can look like, \u2018You always leave your clothes on the floor. You are so sloppy and inconsiderate! You\u2019re just a terrible person!\u2019 Whereas, a healthy behavior-focused response may look like, \u2018I\u2019ve noticed your clothes are on the floor. I would like to ask you to pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper every evening.\u2019 The difference is behavioral patterns can be changed, and when someone is attacked for who they are, the hurt may resonate on a deeper level.\u201d<\/p>\n In many marriages, household debates can sorted with compassion and agreement. Others take a bit more work to resolve, and may require the help of an experienced couples therapist. <\/p>\n \u201cOne piece of advice I give couples is that they need to get clarity on what it is that they\u2019re trying to communicate when they take a certain position on a topic,\u201d says Hertlein. \u201cOnce couples are able to see that each of their positions on a particular topic are informed by the same theme, either perceive neglect or perceive lack of control, then they\u2019re able to catch themselves in arguments a little bit sooner.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n More on marriage and relationships:<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n\n1. Money conflict<\/strong><\/h2>\n
2. Parenting problems<\/h2>\n
3. Verbal attacks<\/h2>\n
Correct communication is key<\/h2>\n
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