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When Ellie Krieger\u2019s daughter finished college and returned home in May as a way to save money before her next move, Krieger was thrilled to have her back. Still, in their child\u2019s absence, she and her husband had become accustomed to their own rhythm.<\/p>\n
\u201cWe enjoy each other\u2019s company,\u201d she tells Fortune<\/em>. \u201cWe definitely missed her presence, but didn\u2019t feel the sense of empty nesting in a lonely sort of way.\u201d And her daughter, she says, \u201cwas finding her independence.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n Soon, Krieger, a nutritionist and cooking show host<\/a>, realized that the three of them once again living together in their New York City apartment would take more adjusting than she\u2019d realized\u2014not only around sharing the bathroom and figuring out dinner plans, but around shifting rules of parenting.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m losing sleep because my daughter\u2019s not home yet,\u201d she admits. Her daughter does text her late-at-night updates, but still, Krieger says, \u201cI don\u2019t fall asleep until she comes home, which could be 2 or 3 o\u2019clock in the morning. I check every half an hour and would be unhinged if she didn\u2019t update me.\u201d <\/p>\n \u201cBut I see this as my issue,\u201d she notes.<\/p>\n \u201cMost challenging is trying not to be reprimanding\u2014trying not to say, \u2018Why is your room a mess? Why is my house a mess?\u2019 Just living in more chaos,\u201d says Roberta\u2014who is using her first name for privacy. Her two sons, 23 and 25, are back living at home with her and her husband after college. She\u2019s also anxious when they\u2019re out late at night, driving, and says that her and her husband\u2019s own lack of privacy is a \u201cdrag,\u201d especially when the sons have their girlfriends stay over.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cThe best part is that I know he\u2019s safe when he\u2019s here,\u201d Elizabeth, whose son just graduated from college and moved home indefinitely, tells Fortune<\/em>. Elizabeth, who is also using her first name for privacy, says she has existential worry about his future. \u201cHe doesn\u2019t seem to be very motivated to find something,\u201d she says. \u201cPlus I don\u2019t think he even knows what he wants.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n These moms are not alone when it comes to balancing the highs and lows of having a child move back in after college. About a third of American young adults 18 to 24, or 57%, live with their parents, as compared with 53% in 1993, according to a recent Pew Research survey<\/a>. And while 45% of those parents say the experience has been positive, that doesn\u2019t mean it comes without a learning curve.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s a reframing,\u201d Mark McConville<\/a>, an Ohio-based clinical psychologist and author of Failure to Launch: Why Your Twentysomething Hasn\u2019t Grown Up\u2026And What to Do About It,<\/em> tells Fortune<\/em>. \u201cIt\u2019s \u2018You are now an adult \u2026 and so we are now housemates as much as anything else.\u2019\u201d And even with the best of intentions on each side, he says, \u201cThere is a natural regression that occurs. You get annoyed that your 25-year-old leaves the dishes in the family room, and they get annoyed that you\u2019re reminding them about their dishes in the family room.\u201d<\/p>\n Readjusting to a child\u2019s return is \u201cgoing to be different in different families,\u201d says Laurence Steinberg<\/a>, psychology professor at Temple University and author of You and Your Adult Child. <\/em>\u201cNobody knows what the rules are, and nobody knows how to do this well.\u201d<\/p>\n Part of that is because it\u2019s understandably difficult to change ways of interacting that developed when they were teens<\/a>. \u201cYour child has moved back home, but they didn\u2019t turn the clock back on their own psychological development,\u201d he says. \u201cI think that you do have to grant them independence. But it\u2019s going to be bumpy, because nobody really is accustomed to it.\u201d<\/p>\n Below, some tips for making the transition easier.<\/p>\n \u201cI think that having a conversation about expectations is really important,\u201d Steinberg says, suggesting that, with dinner plans, for example, an adult child could commit to being at a certain number of family dinners weekly, and agree to give notice if plans change.\u00a0<\/p>\n Basically, everyone has to figure out what they expect from one another, and then communicate it clearly.\u00a0<\/p>\n McConville says that could require a bit of mental gymnastics. \u201cSo if you\u2019re my 23-year-old daughter, and you\u2019re going out until 3 in the morning, why would that be my business? Unless it involves you driving my car and you\u2019ve been drinking. But I kind of sort out with parents: What really is your business? Which is not about parenting. It\u2019s about your right to comfort.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n Regarding the issue of an adult kid staying out really late and it causing distress, as with Krieger, he would suggest engaging with the child and explaining, \u201c\u2018This is my issue, it\u2019s not about you. I don\u2019t know how to not be awake and worrying when you\u2019re out late. And if you would just send me a text or give me a phone call, I will be able to go to sleep.\u2019 I would make an appeal to try to solicit that mutuality from that kid. To me, that\u2019s a reasonable request.\u201d<\/p>\n If you\u2019re still having trouble letting go, Steinberg suggests this: Imagine you are dealing with a friend<\/a> or even an adult sibling.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cWould you put restrictions on whether she can go out? No, you wouldn\u2019t,\u201d he says. \u201cIf you\u2019re having trouble as a parent, try to imagine that this is just an older sibling of yours or a friend who\u2019s living with you, and treat them that way,\u201d he says, admitting that it will be \u201ctough\u201d but possible.\u00a0<\/p>\n Overall, says Steinberg, it\u2019s helpful to understand that while grown kids living with parents hasn\u2019t been \u201cnormative\u201d in the U.S., it has been elsewhere, including in Italy<\/a> and many Asian countries. \u201cAnd for reasons that aren\u2019t exactly clear\u2014maybe because the United States values independence a lot\u2014it\u2019s sort of seen as kind of a failure \u2026 But I think that as it becomes more widespread, it\u2019ll lose some of that stigma.\u201d<\/p>\n Steinberg says he is frequently asked how to deal with the uncertainty of having a grown kid at home. \u201cThey say, \u2018How long is this going to go on? I hadn\u2019t planned on supporting my 35-year-old daughter,\u2019\u201d he says.\u00a0<\/p>\n The next inevitable question, he says, is, \u201c\u2018If I\u2019m helping to support my child financially, does that give me any say in how they spend the money?\u2019 And I think it doesn\u2019t. Although I think that if you are seeing your child living a life of luxury on your dime, it\u2019s fine to say something like, \u2018It doesn\u2019t seem like you need as much support from us as you\u2019re getting.\u2019\u201d He would stop short, though, of monitoring credit card statements.\u00a0<\/p>\n McConville says parents often ask if they should continue paying for a grown child\u2019s cell phone or gym membership\u2014and if the kid is capable of working and paying for those expenses themselves, he says, \u201cI tell them that the answer is no.\u201d But, he adds, \u201chow you go about changing the ground rules of your relationship, to me, is very, very important.\u201d<\/p>\n A formula he suggests with parents is to first agree upon a specific, logical, far-enough away date for change that will be carved in stone. \u201cIt might be something like, \u2018Well, you know, on September 15, you\u2019re going to be 21 years old.\u2019\u201d There\u2019s something about tying it to the calendar that tends to make the child more accepting, he says.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cBecause my theory is there\u2019s an inner voice that\u2019s saying the same thing, like, \u2018Oh shit, I\u2019m going to be 21 and I\u2019m just playing video games.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n A bit of lagging or apprehension after college is natural. But red flags may include a young person having trouble job hunting, \u201cmanaging their life,\u201d or taking steps to change the situation. And it could all suggest depression, says Steinberg.<\/p>\n \u201cIf my child was gainfully employed in a career-related job, I wouldn\u2019t worry at all,\u201d he says. \u201cAnd I would see the living arrangement as mainly the consequence of a financial decision, in which case it makes a lot of sense.\u201d But if you do feel you have reason to worry, he suggests, communicate that \u201cgently\u201d and also \u201cmake it clear that it\u2019s out of concern, like, \u2018you don\u2019t seem yourself lately. Is there something going on that you want to talk about?\u2019\u201d\u00a0Consider suggesting therapy if you believe they\u2019d speak more easily to someone who\u2019s not their parent.<\/p>\n McConville believes it\u2019s pretty clear when a child is truly stuck. He asks parents to think of their kid as a line on a graph, and to think about the direction of that line. Is it ascending, even very gradually? Or is it flatlining? Or descending? For the latter, he says, \u201ctheir behavior patterns are quite evidently not productive\u2014staying up maybe playing video games or watching YouTube<\/a> until 4 in the morning, sleeping until 1 or 2 in the afternoon.\u201d<\/p>\n To address that and encourage change, he suggests recommending an abstract principle over a specific piece of advice.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cKids don\u2019t want to argue with abstract principles. So you don\u2019t say, \u2018You have to get a job by next Friday.\u2019 What you say is, \u2018If you\u2019re going to live with us, you must be doing something constructive.\u2019 That\u2019s a very broad brush, but kids don\u2019t argue with it because it just makes such obvious good sense.\u201d Make it clear that anything constructive\u2014whether working or taking courses or volunteering\u2014is acceptable.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cThat is actually a method of diffusing the power struggle,\u201d McConville says. \u201cAnd then you have to stand by it as a non-negotiable.\u201d<\/p>\n In general, says Steinberg, \u201cit\u2019s uncomfortable for people to have negative feelings about their children.\u201d In addition, he says, people don\u2019t like uncertainty.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cYou know when your kid comes home from college for the summer that, come September, they\u2019re leaving. But when your kid moves back in after college because they can\u2019t afford a place of their own, you don\u2019t know when it\u2019s going to end.\u201d And further, if you think of it as being something that\u2019s not normal, \u201cthen I think it\u2019s natural for you to feel like, \u2018I hope it ends,\u2019\u201d he says.\u00a0<\/p>\n But it\u2019s probably going to be temporary. And in the meantime, it could be wonderful: Remember that, according to Pew<\/a>, 45% of parents\u2014and 55% of adult children\u2014 found that living under the same roof has had a positive influence on their relationship. That tracks with what Steinberg heard from students who moved back home with parents during the pandemic.<\/p>\n \u201cIt wasn\u2019t where they wanted to be living, but it wasn\u2019t as bad as they thought,\u201d he says. \u201cMany got to know their parents as people\u2014and that made them closer.\u201d<\/p>\n More on parenting:<\/p>\n<\/div>\nCommunicate with your adult child <\/h2>\n
Reframe the perspective\u2014and get past the stigma<\/h2>\n
Face the financial issue of supporting an adult child head-on<\/h2>\n
When to worry about your grown kid\u2014and what to do<\/h2>\n
Everything is temporary\u2014and sometimes it\u2019s great<\/h2>\n