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Do you spend more time in bed with your laptop, answering Slack messages, than you do with your partner? Then it may be time for a reality check.<\/p>\n
When our romantic relationships<\/a> carry too much of the burden of our professional life, it can lead to resentment, jealousy, and, ultimately, a breakup\u2014especially when we expect our partners to carry an unfair share of our work stress.<\/p>\n \u201cWe bring a set of expectations that our intimate partners are a source of emotional support, and that we can be our most authentic versions of ourselves,\u201d Alexandra Solomon<\/a>, a Chicago-based psychologist and host of the podcast Reimagining Love<\/a>, tells Fortune<\/em>. And while it\u2019s a \u201cblessing\u201d when find that, she adds, \u201cIt comes back to bite us when we\u2019re not mindful of the impact that our burnout has on how we\u2019re showing up for them.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s a widespread problem: In Deloitte\u2019s Workplace Burnout Survey<\/a>, for example, 83% of respondents said burnout from work can negatively impact their personal relationships. Similarly, in Headspace\u2019s 2024 Workforce State of Mind report<\/a>, 71% of employees shared that work stress has caused a personal relationship to end.\u00a0<\/p>\n A big part of the problem, Solomon says, is that the boundary between work and home life, especially with remote and hybrid work structures, can be difficult to draw. That\u2019s why it\u2019s important to set time and energy aside for each facet of our lives, including time to connect with our partners\u2013\u2013outside of discussing work projects.<\/p>\n Here are five tips for ensuring work burnout doesn\u2019t squash the romance in your life.<\/p>\n Often, when both partners are having a difficult time at work, Solomon says there is a tendency to become competitive\u2014with a workplace-stress Olympics<\/a>, if you will.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cThe conversation can begin like, \u2018I want to share my day with you because you are a really important sounding board and safe place,\u2019\u201d she says. \u201cBut the conversation can have a sneaky way of morphing into a comparison of who has it worse.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n Solomon suggests resisting the urge to compare your experience with your partner\u2019s, and to remember that all stress\u2014including the kind that comes about in this type of competition\u2014is unwanted and can have a negative impact on our health<\/a>.<\/p>\n Creating ways to symbolize the transition from working time to home time\u2014even, if not especially, if you work from home\u2014can be pivotal for the strength of your relationship.<\/p>\n \u201cFor some people, it\u2019s their commute home, or when you\u2019re changing clothes from your workday, almost ritualizing, \u2018I\u2019m taking off the day, I have done my job, I showed up, I did what I was supposed to do. It will be waiting for me tomorrow,\u201d she says. \u201cWhatever kind of ways you can set a micro ritual to transition from the workday to time with your partner,\u201d she says, it will be worth it.<\/p>\n Performance metrics, desired raises, and a basic need to stay employed are all reliable motivators when it comes to doing a great job at work. But what about staying motivated at home?<\/p>\n \u201cWe don\u2019t think, \u2018A year from now I want to feel more connected to my partner,\u2019 \u2018I want us to have accomplished this goal in our life,\u201d Jenna Glover, licensed psychologist and Chief Clinical Officer at Headspace<\/a>, tells Fortune.<\/em> But, she stresses, maybe we should.<\/p>\n \u201cPart of that is intentionality and really bringing it to that [home] space,\u201d Glover explains. \u201cAnd when people do, they\u2019re able to be successful in both work and relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n Glover suggests relationship performance reviews as one way to ensure we don\u2019t lose ourselves in work or miss out on important time with our partner.<\/p>\n \u201cTake time to say, \u2018There is not a template built for what it means to be successful in my relationship like a work performance review<\/a>, but I\u2019m going to take the time to identify what that would actually look like,\u2019\u201d she suggests.<\/p>\n And don\u2019t worry about it being too formal. Instead, Glover says the point is to focus while sitting down with your partner and sharing goals and expectations for your family, your career, and your one-on-one connection.<\/p>\n It\u2019s true that stress impacts libido<\/a>. According to the Cleveland Clinic<\/a>, stress can reduce your sex drive by taking your mind off sexual desire, and chronic stress can interfere with hormone levels, which also results in a lower libido.<\/p>\n \u201cNobody\u2019s desire increases because of pressure,\u201d says Solomon.<\/p>\n But romance and connection with your partner do not have to start and end with sex, she says.<\/p>\n \u201cThe definition of \u2018romantic\u2019 is the stuff we do that helps us feel connected,\u201d she says. \u201cAnd there are lots of ways to feel connected besides sex.\u201d<\/p>\n She suggests making small but meaningful nods toward intimacy and toward counteracting your work burnout\u2014playing a game with your partner, dancing in the kitchen together, or lighting candles while you eat dinner, for example.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cPart of it is pushing back,\u201d Solomon says, \u201cand saying, \u2018No, my job does not get to take both my time and<\/em> my sexual energy.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n If you feel like you\u2019re missing out on time with your partner due either one of your jobs (or both), a gentle way to start trying to counteract that is to ease into a conversation about it: How about an evening with no screens? What about scheduling a fun outing? Your partner cannot always read your mind or body language for clues as to what you want, Solomon says.<\/p>\n But pointing fingers and laying blame, she adds, can lead to them feeling attacked and guilty, putting them on the defense. Instead, take a beat to calmly tell your partner you miss their undivided attention.<\/p>\n Plus, she stresses, work burnout is often, if not always, about the company culture rather than the employee. So while it can be easy to put the blame on your partner for answering messages about work after hours, it\u2019s also up to their employer to adhere to off-the-clock boundaries.<\/p>\n \u201c[Your partner] didn\u2019t create the corporate culture that demands that people are available at all hours, or refuses to hire the right number of people to do the work, or whatever the dynamics are in the organization,\u201d she says. \u201cSo I think that part of it, too, is making sure to put responsibility where responsibility goes.\u201d<\/p>\n In fact, nearly 70% of professionals<\/a>, according to Deloitte<\/a>, feel their employers are not doing enough to prevent or alleviate burnout within their organization, and 21% say their company does not offer any programs or initiatives to prevent or alleviate it.<\/p>\n \u201cPeople need to work. So it\u2019s really important for employees to think about, \u2018What is my work experience like?\u2019 and hopefully work is there to support the quality of your life and not to degrade it,\u201d says Glover.<\/p>\n She adds that we all have limited resources\u2014limited time, limited energy<\/a>\u2014and that putting \u201ctoo much\u201d toward a job will ensure you won\u2019t have a good work-life balance<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n And parsing that out is something that gets more and more difficult, Solomon says, as \u201cwork-life balance\u201d terminology itself can be deceiving.<\/p>\n \u201cIn our minds, we have this belief that these are two separate spheres,\u201d she says. \u201cBut the boundary between home and work is actually quite permeable.\u201d<\/p>\n More on marriage and relationships:<\/p>\n<\/div>\n1. Resist the urge to compare<\/strong><\/h2>\n
2. Set \u2018micro rituals<\/strong>\u2018<\/h2>\n
3. Performance reviews aren\u2019t just for the office<\/strong><\/h2>\n
4. Salvage \u2018romance\u2019 by defining it expansively\u00a0<\/strong><\/h2>\n
5. Try to avoid putting your partner on the defensive<\/strong><\/h2>\n