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By mid-2022, Mary knew she needed to leave her husband of almost 20 years.<\/p>\n
While she and her soon-to-be-ex-husband still have a cordial relationship, Mary\u2014who asked that her last name be withheld to talk freely about her divorce in the midst of the proceedings\u2014says they began to have increasingly polarized political views over the past few years, and she didn\u2019t feel at home anymore with him or among their community. She took about a year to think through the decision and shore up her finances, and last November, the couple separated.<\/p>\n
\u201cI just realized, I had no joy in my life,\u201d Mary says. \u201cI have this sense of guilt that every woman I\u2019ve ever met has had. I feel responsible for his happiness. But then there came a day where I thought, I have 10 years, maybe 15\u2014I\u2019m going to do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t an easy decision. Mary is 69 and hasn\u2019t worked full time in years due to a disability. She would be left without much in the way of income aside from her monthly Social Security payments and whatever she receives in the settlement. She also didn\u2019t want to blindside her partner, whom she still cares for, and she feared the stigma associated with being twice divorced (she separated from her first husband in the early 2000s). At a time when many couples are happy to be child-free and enjoying newfound freedom after leaving the workforce, Mary was opting for instability and chaos.<\/p>\n
But, like many women over 50 who seemingly have everything to lose, Mary pushed forward with the divorce anyway. \u201cGray divorce\u201d\u2014the term for separations that occur over the age of 50\u2014is skyrocketing in the U.S.<\/a>, with older couples separating at twice the rate they did in the 1990s (the rate is triple for those over 65). And in heterosexual relationships, the vast majority of them are initiated by Gen X<\/a> and baby boomer women, who typically have far more on the line financially than their male partners. In fact, one study<\/a> found women who divorce after 50 experience a 45% decline in their standard of living, while men see theirs drop by 21%. Around 20% of women become impoverished in the year after a divorce, according to the Census Bureau<\/a>, compared with 11% of men.<\/p>\n Mary knew she\u2019d be sacrificing stability and a beautiful home with a hand-tended garden for her happiness. She\u2019s now living in a rented room in her first husband\u2019s house (they remain friends) while she and her second spouse work out the details of their split, like divvying up retirement accounts and whether she\u2019ll receive spousal support. Almost a year after they first separated, Mary is ready to sign the papers and officially move on. But one issue in particular has stalling the proceedings: What happens to their home?<\/p>\n Mary and her ex have now discussed at least four different plans when it comes to splitting assets, including the house they own in Virginia. First purchased in 2014, it\u2019s grown in value considerably over the years alongside their other investments; comps put the value at just over $1 million.<\/p>\n Financial experts say it\u2019s not unusual for the house to be one of the major holdups in gray divorce proceedings. A home is, of course, more than a place to live\u2014it\u2019s filled with memories and mementos, there are emotional connections in addition to financial concerns. Mary mentions that though this doesn\u2019t apply to her (she didn\u2019t raise her children in the current home), many older women, especially, feel a special connection because they have their identity tied up in the family home, where they performed most of their labor over the years\u2014often for decades.<\/p>\n But it is usually imperative to sell the home post-divorce, says Kelly Mould, senior vice president and financial advisor at Johnson Financial Group. Many older couples own them outright, or have significant equity built up, making them the couple\u2019s most valuable assets. Even if one partner wants to stay in the home, he or she might not be able to afford the payments, taxes, upkeep, and so on.<\/p>\n \u201cOften you will see parties go to great lengths to try to retain the property, even when it\u2019s not a good financial move,\u201d says Mould.\u00a0\u201cHaving a good attorney and financial advisor can usually make this an easier decision\u2026they present those options without the sentimentality that can run afoul of financial logic.\u201d<\/p>\n Unless the couple can come to an agreement on their own, many courts will require the sale of the home in a divorce, says Mould (though this differs from situation to situation and state to state). That said, she says courts are increasingly accepting \u201cunique\u201d arrangements, like shared plans that give each partner access to the property\u2014like a vacation home\u2014at different times of the year.<\/p>\n \u201cA court may entertain a creative option, however, if it doesn\u2019t work the court most often defaults to a plan that closes the case,\u201d says Mould.<\/p>\n Mary and her soon-to-be-ex are still working out what makes the most financial sense, although she will not be living there again. While she will miss the small things\u2014her gardens, the fireplace she designed in the living room, the grocery store whose aisles she\u2019s memorized over the years\u2014she doesn\u2019t want it. Given how much home prices have appreciated in recent years, they are trying to work out a way to lessen the tax bill on a potential sale, which is slowing down the process.<\/p>\n \u201cThere\u2019s not a plant I didn\u2019t plant there thinking it would be there forever,\u201d she says. But \u201cour house, it would give us good equity if we just sliced it right in half. It\u2019s the only way either of us can move forward financially.\u201d<\/p>\n That said, she can\u2019t live in her first husband\u2019s home longterm, and is worried about being able to afford her own apartment with her Social Security payments and whatever she gets from the divorce settlement. Mould says parents moving in with their adult children is increasingly common among gray divorc\u00e9es, and that\u2019s what Mary hopes will happen. Right now, she is looking for a home with one of her sons and his wife\u2014they are seeking an in-law suite for her to live in, and she would contribute what she\u2019s able to. But given how high home prices across the country have spiraled, Mary isn\u2019t optimistic.<\/p>\n Despite all of the headaches and life-changing decision after life-changing decision, Mary said she doesn\u2019t regret her new direction. She has community to lean into\u2014her sons, siblings, best friend, and first ex-husband have all rallied around her\u2014and has gotten back to her first love: writing.<\/p>\n \u201cPeople keep telling me I\u2019m brave,\u201d she says. But if there is one thing she could communicate to other women weighing the pros and cons of a later-in-life divorce, it is that \u201cyou can be happy now. It\u2019s your turn. That\u2019s pretty profound for me, that\u2019s a bit of a mantra now. Even if you give up the house and the easy chair with the shape of your butt, it\u2019s so comforting.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\u2018It\u2019s the only way either of us can move forward\u2019<\/h2>\n