de-partnered<\/a> from a long-term relationship, you will know that it is a trauma that requires a major dose of deprogramming. Breakups, even when self-inflicted, are like undergoing open heart surgery. Nothing prepares you for this type of loss. Culturally, we don\u2019t hold space for the complexities of a relationship\u2019s ending. Whether family, friend, or partner, we don\u2019t acknowledge or honor the depth of such losses. After an ending, getting closure and moving on become the primary focus.<\/p>\nLet\u2019s talk about rom-coms for a sec. Romantic comedies often depict a straight woman in the \u201cgetting back to me\u201d phase, with men being portrayed as less emotionally complex. The narrative typically involves the woman\u2019s taking time for herself, going on a trip, dating again, or experiencing some wacky misadventures before meeting her next partner. Alternatively, she may end up living happily ever after, but alone, in a state of self-acceptance, independence, and strength.<\/p>\n
Welp. It\u2019s a wonderful fantasy, but it isn\u2019t reality.<\/p>\n
I was not prepared. I too thought it would be a rom-com. I booked retreats. I searched for myself. I practiced yoga. I meditated. I \u201cgot back to me.\u201d Well, sorta. Ending my relationship forced me to (again) confront a variety of past, present, and future challenges. It was an algebraic equation: Childhood + trauma + being gay + family estrangement \/ breakup = prolonged grief. What\u2019s the equation for your context?<\/p>\n
It\u2019s usually childhood + trauma + personal identity + social community + career + financial safety + access to resources and healthcare. It is important to acknowledge all the factors present during any life transition, as neglecting one of them could result in leaving out a significant piece of your story.<\/p>\n
This isn\u2019t some \u201chappily ever after\u201d love story. I\u2019ve been single since Alex and I broke up. I wanted him back on several occasions, but only when he didn\u2019t want me back. I still think about him every day. I still dream about him at night.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been alone for a long time. And it\u2019s hard.<\/p>\n
I have had great success with work. I\u2019ve made new friends. And my self-confidence? I finally know who I am, am confident, and have landed on a self-definition I can say I genuinely like. But I remain stuck romantically. Everyone I date frustrates me. No one communicates. It seems impossible to get someone interested to the point where they\u2019ll stick around. Plus, it\u2019s not just other people. It\u2019s me. I haven\u2019t felt something in a long time.<\/p>\n
Birthdays and holidays have been absolutely awful. They are only reminders of my loss and loneliness. My first Christmas without Alex was terrible. I of course spent it with Alex; we cried. His family expressed their wish that we remain together. Alex and I had sex. It was a mess. Nevertheless, I am glad I spent that time with them. They still felt like my family. He still felt like my family.<\/p>\n
Subsequent holidays were just as hard. I dreaded them. I missed his family (and still do). I missed our routines. I missed having someone to surprise, to go holiday shopping with for cute gifts. To buy beautiful wrapping paper and fancy bows. (I used to go all out.) The absence of such moments had left a void; I missed them dearly. Alex felt the same way, and during these times of the year, my yearning for these shared experiences was particularly acute.<\/p>\n
OMG and don\u2019t even get me started on Valentine\u2019s Day! Alex and I had this tradition where we would make sushi and exchange presents. It was very sweet, and I used to look forward to it. So, I wasn\u2019t prepared for what it would be like to be an observer and not a participant on this stupid holiday. It really sucked.<\/p>\n
I still miss Alex often. It\u2019s not just him that I miss. It\u2019s the metaphor. It\u2019s the life we had. It\u2019s being able to say \u201cwe.\u201d \u201cWe\u201d are doing this, \u201cwe\u201d are visiting friends, \u201cwe\u201d are going to France this summer. Instead of, \u201cI booked flights alone. I don\u2019t know who I am going with yet.\u201d<\/p>\n
Whenever I talk to people about these feelings, they\u2019re quick to say, \u201cDo you think you\u2019re over it?\u201d When they do, I\u2019ll scream inside while politely saying, \u201cI think so.\u201d But my relationship with Alex played such a huge role in my life that I\u2019m not sure how one gets over <\/em>something like that.<\/p>\nI know they\u2019re thinking, Wow, he is still so not over it.<\/em><\/p>\nBut we don\u2019t get over<\/em> loss; we move through<\/em> it, but the loss stays with us. If you lose a family member, do you simply move on and get over it? No. Your life changes. You add to your life, and the loss evolves into something smaller and more manageable, something you may not even think about very much. But the loss remains. Alex was my family, and losing him was significant. Will I \u201cmove on\u201d? Will meeting someone new alter my perspective on my relationship with him? Undoubtedly, time and new experiences will bring healing and change. Nonetheless, the memories of our time together will always remain with me.<\/p>\nIt\u2019s undeniably hard to be alone, yet culture, family, and friends rarely provide us with the space to navigate the emotional difficulties that accompany single life. Instead, there are all those reductive phrases that convey implicit judgment\u2014comments like \u201cYou should enjoy being single\u201d or \u201cMaybe you need to love yourself more.\u201d They are only reminders of society\u2019s expectations regarding independence and grief rather than empathy.<\/p>\n
Some people do in fact \u201cmove on,\u201d no longer feeling preoccupied by thoughts of their ex. Others don\u2019t. Neither response is inherently \u201chealthier\u201d than the other. You might think, Well, I<\/em> would choose never to think about them again<\/em>. But our feelings aren\u2019t a matter of choice. We have to accept where we are, tolerate it, and resist the urge to judge ourselves against some imagined ideal. It\u2019s a flawed assumption to think that if you stop thinking about your ex, your life will automatically improve. Life will remain complex and challenging regardless of who occupies your thoughts.<\/p>\nIt\u2019s often through (not around) pain and heartbreak that we learn the most about ourselves and what it means to be alive. While ending my relationship was difficult, discovering who I was as an independent person without any relationship to shape my identity was even more challenging. This is where I became myself.<\/p>\n
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<\/p>\n
\u00a0Rodale Books<\/p>\n<\/div>\n
Excerpted from\u00a0HOW TO LOVE SOMEONE WITHOUT LOSING YOUR MIND\u00a0<\/strong>by Todd Baratz. Copyright \u00a9 2024 by\u00a0Todd Baratz<\/strong>. Used by permission of\u00a0Rodale Books<\/strong>, an imprint of Random House, a division of\u00a0Penguin Random House LLC, New York. \u00a0All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n[ad_2]
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