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As parents, we want our kids to be resilient<\/a> and rise to face any challenge<\/a>. But when your child is complaining that they hate basketball or saying that they don\u2019t want to take dance anymore (right after you\u2019ve invested in tights, leotard and special shoes, naturally) should you force them to continue with the sport or activity?<\/p>\n Vanessa Lapointe, <\/a>a psychologist, family educator in private practice, and author of Discipline Without Damage<\/em> says that it\u2019s okay for you to allow your child to quit an activity, provided it\u2019s not right on the heels of a disastrous game or frustrating practice.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cEven as adults, it\u2019s hard for us to stick with something new\u2014especially when we feel unsure, not good enough or out of our element,\u201d she says. \u201cIf this is true for us as adults with fully mature brains and a decent understanding of how effort is exchanged for outcomes, imagine how much harder this is for young children! They don\u2019t have the life experience to know how it all works.\u201d<\/p>\n That\u2019s not to say that anytime your child doesn\u2019t feel like doing something you should let them off the hook. Kids can benefit from being uncomfortable. While they may not be the best at something right off the bat, the confidence<\/a> that comes from mastering or even slightly improving at an activity can be worth it.<\/p>\n \u201cSometimes a little gentle encouragement<\/a> to give it a fair go is appropriate,\u201d says Lapointe. She encourages parents to consider the child\u2019s temperament and why the activity isn\u2019t fulfilling before throwing in the towel.<\/p>\n Mary Kickel of Cincinnati, Ohio, a mom of two boys ages 11 and 13, says her rule is that everyone must complete the cycle of an activity (the season or session they signed up for) before bailing. \u201cAnd we have to talk about why,\u201d she says, adding that this step is especially important for her son with autism who may just need extra supports in place to make an activity more enjoyable.<\/p>\n \u201cThat said, I\u2019ve let my kids quit soccer, violin, piano, speech and debate. Music is something people have to want to do. After a year or more of lessons if things aren\u2019t clicking, we let it go.\u201d<\/p>\n In the Netflix<\/a> documentary Beckham<\/em>, David\u2019s mother recounts watching her husband put him through endless drills in order to become a professional soccer player. But even if you\u2019re not trying to get your kid onto Manchester United, many parents may be tempted to push their child to succeed<\/a> at a sport or activity. Lapointe says that this often happens when parents put their own unfulfilled dreams onto their kids.<\/p>\n \u201cYoung children do not yet have the neural architecture and emotional maturity to understand the exchange of time and effort for an outcome,\u201d she says. \u201cSomewhere around age 10 they come into that understanding and from there it makes more sense to have discussions about commitment and seeing something through, and about training hard and pushing yourself further.\u201d She says that when kids are younger it really should be about inspiring participation in activities that are joy-filled, playful and fun. \u201cOur job is to grow children who are hardy, not hardened,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Kickel says that another strategy she uses with her boys is to check in with them periodically to see if they are still benefiting from their after-school pursuits.<\/p>\n \u201cI check in for activities that we\u2019ve done a long time, such as a writing workshop or art class and ask if they are still getting something out of it,\u201d she says. \u201cIf they aren\u2019t, we talk about it and decide whether or not to be done.\u201d<\/p>\n If your child is younger, encourage them to try all sorts of different things and see what sparks their imagination and interest.<\/p>\n \u201cAs our children get older it is more appropriate for them to have a bigger voice when it comes to selecting activities and pursuits, with maybe a little encouragement from parents to stick it out on the harder days,\u201d says Lapointe. \u201cWithin this, it is okay to have expectations for our children around developing good health habits, including being active \u2013 and to allow your child a place in the discussion about how that will be accomplished.\u201d<\/p>\n Lapointe says that if your kid is going to stick with a non-preferred activity that it should be an opportunity to practice adaptation, which is a precursor to resilience. But for some kids, this process will be too emotionally taxing. \u201cIt\u2019s really important that you only stick it out once the situation and your child\u2019s individual needs including their age, temperament and what else is going on in their life have been carefully considered,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Lapointe suggests making a tough experience better by talking with the coach about shifting something so it works a little better for your child. Otherwise, it may be time to move on.<\/p>\n \u201cThere has been no fallout from quitting,\u201d says Kickel. \u201cThere\u2019s only been more trust in our relationships.\u201d She says a huge benefit has been that her boys are more likely to try something new because they know they won\u2019t be forced to continue if it isn\u2019t working.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s okay to let it go,\u201d she says. \u201cThey are their own people.\u201d<\/p>\n\nGiving it a go<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Whose dream is it anyway?<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Let kids have a voice<\/strong><\/h2>\n
A learning experience<\/strong><\/h2>\n