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Money may make some people green with envy\u2014and some couples red with rage.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s often front and center of fights with partners. In a 2021 study<\/a>, people in long-term relationships reported that finances were the biggest conflict in 40% of their disagreements. And a quarter of couples said money is their greatest relationship challenge in Fidelity\u2019s 2024 Couples & Money<\/a> study. Nearly half said they argue about it at least occasionally.<\/p>\n Such arguments have an even bigger impact on a marriage\u2019s health<\/a> when you\u2019re legally sharing finances. \u201cMoney is not only a common cause of conflict, but money fights are qualitatively different from other types of arguments,\u201d Megan McCoy<\/a>, a certified financial therapist, marriage and family therapist, and assistant professor of personal financial planning at Kansas State University, tells Fortune<\/em>. \u201cThey tend to last longer and are less likely to get resolved, so they create tension leading to other arguments and spending less time together.\u201d<\/p>\n Research<\/a> finds that marital conflicts about money are more pervasive, problematic, and recurrent than other fights\u2014despite the fact that couples typically work harder to solve their money problems. It makes sense then that financial disagreements between wives and husbands are the strongest disagreement type<\/a> to predict divorce.<\/p>\n \u201cMany fights in couples come from us feeling like our partner is putting our dreams at risk by overspending on things that we don\u2019t value or not letting us spend in areas that we value,\u201d McCoy says. \u201cSome of us see money as a source of fun, while others see it as a source of safety and security, and that can cause issues.\u201d<\/p>\n These issues can range from having different spending behaviors to our interpretation of money to financial infidelity, she adds. But, as with many things in marriage<\/a>, more consistent communication and transparency can foster a happier relationship<\/a>\u2014and bank account.<\/p>\n Couples don\u2019t talk about money enough, says McCoy. A study<\/a> she conducted in 2021 found 83% of people hadn\u2019t talked about money to anyone<\/em> in an entire year.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cNot talking about money is bad if there\u2019s conflict because it can\u2019t be resolved; it\u2019s a missed opportunity to hear about each other\u2019s values and goals,\u201d she says. She refers to John Gottman\u2019s Golden Ratio<\/a>\u2014the idea that we need to have five positive interactions for every negative interaction we have with a partner. Couples shouldn\u2019t just minimize their negative money interactions, she says, but be more intentional about positive ones.\u00a0<\/p>\n This might look like a monthly household CFO meeting to discuss finances<\/a> over wine in a goal-oriented and team building way. McCoy says she and her husband occasionally have a date night where they buy a Powerball ticket and discuss what they would do differently if money wasn\u2019t an object.<\/p>\n But such conversations won\u2019t be fruitful without honesty. Spouses lie in ways both big (i.e. hiding debt) and small (i.e. rounding down how much they spent on something), whether out of embarrassment or to avoid a fight, McCoy says. Financial infidelity can impact a marriage just as bad as physical infidelity, she adds. A BankRate study<\/a> finds that 42% of American adults married or living with a partner have kept a financial secret from one another.<\/p>\n As a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFP), Monica Dwyer<\/a> helps spouses understand and negotiate their divorce terms and the financial impacts. She tells Fortune<\/em> she\u2019s seen situations in which one spouse opens up a credit card and secretly runs up debt. That can be a shock during a divorce; depending on the state you\u2019re in, divvying up assets also means divvying up debt. She\u2019s also seen financial fraud, such as when one spouse gains access to the other\u2019s account, draws assets down, and lies about it.<\/p>\n She says it\u2019s important for couples to lay down basic agreements to alleviate future tension. Ask questions like: How do you feel about different types of debt? What debt do you feel comfortable taking on? \u201cMost marriages end because of communication problems, but that can include financial communication problems and the couple not being on the same page,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Communicating can get rocky when you have different spending habits from your spouse. Spenders and savers are often attracted to one another, which McCoy says can become polarizing in a marriage as the spender continues to spend and the saver continues to save in reaction to each other.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you have one person who\u2019s an egregious spender and the other person who\u2019s a saver, that can be a major problem in terms of communication and the way they feel about each other,\u201d Dwyer says, adding that she\u2019s seen situations where one spouse has to bail the other out because they continually get into debt.<\/p>\n Couples need to align their financial goals from the get go, knowing where they\u2019re at financially or whether they\u2019ll be financially successful early on\u2014\u201dnot just when you\u2019re getting ready to retire because planning should happen way before then,\u201d she says. \u201cBe really clear about what it is that you want and have kind of similar goals in terms of what you\u2019re going to save.\u201d<\/p>\n That\u2019s even if they\u2019re small and tangible. \u201cThe more concrete you can make your financial goals, the better so you can really celebrate as a team that you accomplished them together,\u201d McCoy says. For example, instead of saying you\u2019ll buy a house one day, decide to save a certain amount in six months for that goal.<\/p>\n \u201cThere should be individual, couple, and family financial goals important to both partners so that you have skin in the game when it comes to making small sacrifices today,\u201d she adds.<\/p>\n It\u2019s important to track your spending together. That involves regularly checking credit score reports to ensure there aren\u2019t errors and working towards improving it, McCoy says. She suggests finding spending apps<\/a> to \u201cmake sure there are no leaks\u201d\u2014that you aren\u2019t spending money on things unimportant to you.<\/p>\n And you can always meet with a professional, such as a CFP like Dwyer if you have the means. McCoy says XY Planning Network<\/a> specializes in couples who are still building wealth and not yet rich, or you can contact a financial counselor who is typically more short-term with lower fees. But first, you\u2019ll have to agree with your partner that it\u2019s worth the money.<\/p>\nFocus on honesty and positivity<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Align your goals<\/strong><\/h2>\n