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As someone who has been married for 38 years, Marilyn Chinitz <\/a>knows a thing or two about love. Chinitz also happens to be the one people come to when they\u2019re no longer in love: she\u2019s a matrimonial and family lawyer based in New York at Blank Rome<\/a>.\u00a0<\/p>\n \u201cA lot of couples<\/a> have a problem that is fixable. But if you have many problems, then the house of cards falls, and that\u2019s when people get divorced,\u201d she tells Fortune<\/em>.<\/p>\n In the U.S., the average marriage lasts only eight years<\/a>, and about 40% of first marriages<\/a> end in divorce.<\/p>\n \u201cYou get a divorce<\/a> because of the totality of lack of communication, loss of interest, distrust, or controllingness. All of a sudden, it becomes insurmountable,\u201d Chinitz says.\u00a0<\/p>\n But Chinitz\u2014who has had clients ranging from actors like Michael Douglas and Tom Cruise, to hedge fund managers, private equity founders, and Fortune 500<\/a> CEOs\u2014shares the five things she says are key to a loving, lasting marriage.<\/p>\n Chinitz encourages people to look for the best in every situation\u2014even when it\u2019s not easy. \u201cIf I look at my own marriage and think about what gave us this long duration\u2014and I hope it continues for many, many years\u2014it\u2019s that I count my blessings. I don\u2019t look at the negatives.\u201d<\/p>\n Even if you don\u2019t look at a marriage like a job, it\u2019s still a lot of work. It takes commitment, communication, and trust to make it successful. Chinitz says she communicates at home just as she would in the courtroom\u2014without raising her voice or letting her emotions takeover, and focusing on the topic at hand.<\/p>\n \u201cI can say something in the most effective way without screaming, I can even inject humor, and the response won\u2019t be to push me away,\u201d Chinitz says.<\/p>\n Chinitz says it\u2019s also important to take time to \u201ccelebrate\u201d your love<\/a>.<\/p>\n \u201cYou have to find fun ways to celebrate your marriage. I mean, it could be boring after a while,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Every week, Chinitz and her husband find something new and fun to do together: eat at a new restaurant, take part in a new experience, go to a museum they\u2019ve never visited. <\/p>\n These outings are just the two of them. \u201cI\u2019m a grandmother, I\u2019m a mother. But the kids and grandkids<\/a> stay home.\u201d<\/p>\n Independence should be a priority in relationships. Chinitz\u2019s husband goes on skiing trips with his friends, and she goes on biking trips around Europe with hers.<\/p>\n \u201cWe allow each other to explore different things, then come back and share those things. When we come back, we bring something else to the table, and there\u2019s a greater dialogue,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Marriage can be challenging, says Chinitz. And it\u2019s crucial to keep perspective on what\u2019s in and out of your control. If you or your spouse gets sick or loses a job, those likely aren\u2019t factors you can control. But the way you react to one another and how you spend your time is. And that reaction, she says, is key to a lasting, loving marriage<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n\nFind the positives in everything<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Communicate clearly, not (too) emotionally<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Celebrate love and have fun together<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Maintain independen<\/strong>ce<\/h2>\n
Remember you can only control what you can control<\/strong><\/h2>\n