Dear Quentin,<\/h2>\n
I have a good friend whom I like very much. He is one of those people I feel very comfortable around, as if I have known him for years. It\u2019s hard to make friends in New York. People have so little time for friendship after work, the gym, kickboxing classes, therapy, checking their stock portfolio and, frankly, plotting their next move to climb up the corporate ladder. I grew up in the Midwest, so I expected people to have more time to develop friendships. This friend has put in the effort, meaning we meet once a week for dinner for about one and a half hours.<\/p>\n
He called me this morning to invite me to a concert at Carnegie Hall. I am not a big classical-music buff (I usually fall asleep at operas) but I said I would go and would try to develop a taste for classical music. It beats sitting at home or sitting through all of those advertisements at the cinema. He said, \u201cGreat, I look forward to seeing you.\u201d But before we hung up the phone, he added, \u201cWhat would be nice is if you took me to dinner.\u201d It was 8 a.m.\u00a0 \u2014 early to call anyone, but my point is that I was tired \u2014 so I said, \u201cSure!\u201d<\/p>\n
However, I was shocked and did not know what to say. I have invited him to the theater in the past and did not expect him to buy me dinner. In fact, the last time I brought him to the theater, I also brought another friend and ended up bringing that other friend for dinner! I didn\u2019t mind, as I see it as \u201cwhat goes around, comes around,\u201d in a good way. I try not to keep an accounting of who is inviting whom, and assume that it all works out square and even in the wash. But now I\u2019m faced with an evening with this friend where I feel obliged, or forced, to buy him dinner.\u00a0<\/p>\n
It takes the good out of the gesture if you have been instructed to take out your credit card. What would you do? Is this normal behavior?<\/p>\n
Friend In Need<\/p>\n
Related:<\/strong> \u2018I felt humiliated\u2019: She slipped the waiter her credit card on her way to the restroom. Is it emasculating for a woman to pay for dinner on a first date?<\/a><\/p>\n <\/p>\n What would be nice \u2014 to use your friend\u2019s phrase \u2014 is if he had worded his question differently: \u201cWould you like to see this concert at Carnegie Hall? I\u2019ll get the tickets, and you can get dinner.\u201d It\u2019s not the most polished way of proffering an invitation, but at least it establishes the conditions up front. You wouldn\u2019t like to accept a free ticket from a stranger on the street who then pointed at a nearby restaurant and added, \u201cNow you have to buy me dinner!\u201d Taking him to dinner seems fair, but being asked to do so after<\/em> you accepted his theater invitation is a rug pull.<\/p>\n There is another, unspoken issue here. The invitation seems pointed, and if it seems pointed, it probably is pointed. You have your own social contract, which may be less transactional on the surface but may not work as consistently, leaving room for a missed dinner invitation here and a missed theater invitation there. That can leave people who have a different mode of behavior with a bee in their bonnet \u2014 \u201cI paid the last time we went to Carnegie Hall, and he didn\u2019t even buy me dinner!\u201d \u2014 even if you feel like you returned the favor in other ways.<\/p>\n Some people have certain social protocols to make life easier, especially in an expensive city like New York. For example, if one person buys a $20 glass of wine, it\u2019s polite for them to tell their dinner companion, \u201cLet me leave the $20 tip, as I had a drink and I don\u2019t think it\u2019s fair that you should pay for my alcohol.\u201d And the next time they meet and the same thing happens with the other friend, they can say, \u201cI\u2019ll get the tip.\u201d That is, the protocol is understood. The problem here is that tickets to Carnegie Hall range from $81 to $224, so it\u2019s not a cheap night out.\u00a0<\/p>\n What do you do? You won\u2019t enjoy the concert, especially as you\u2019re only going because he had a spare ticket and you think you\u2019re doing him a favor by trying not to sleep through a recital. And you certainly won\u2019t enjoy your meal, knowing that you have been instructed to produce your credit card at the end of it. The beauty of offering an invitation is that it\u2019s a gift, a gift with monetary value, sure, and also one that says your friend wants to spend time with you. So you won\u2019t be doing him any favors by going now.\u00a0<\/p>\n If you have, say, three days or more before the event, decline. Make a polite excuse, and the next time you meet for dinner, pick up the bill.\u00a0<\/p>\n You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as <\/em><\/strong>Twitter.<\/em><\/strong><\/a>\u00a0<\/p>\n The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:<\/strong><\/p>\n \u2018I don\u2019t want my wife to lose everything\u2019: I\u2019ve been diagnosed with dementia \u2014 I suddenly could not spell or write legibly<\/a><\/p>\n \u2018Things have not been easy\u2019: My sister is a hoarder and procrastinator. She is delaying probate of our parents\u2019 estate. What can I do?<\/a><\/p>\n\n <\/div>
\u201cSome people have certain social protocols to make life easier, especially in an expensive city like New York.\u201d<\/h4>\n
\n MarketWatch illustration
\n <\/span>
\n <\/figcaption><\/figure>\n<\/p><\/div>\nDear Friend,<\/strong><\/h2>\n